• Louis: BITCH let me tell you one thing. Guys with faces like yours do not hit on guys with asses like mine. Bitch I will cut you. #2fab4jail I HOPE you are not checking out my $20,000 designer pants with the Dolce&Gabbana jacket, I will personally take your first born child *z formation finger snap*
• Harry: LOUIS BABY I JUST WANT SEX THAT'S ALL I WANT. GET AWAY FROM ME EW IS THAT A VAGINA OHMYGOD LORD SAVE MY SOUL. At least I can tweet "my cheese sandwich was nice". Yeah, that's a pretty good update on my day today. *proceeds to take a black and white instagram picture captioned 'I got no BARS on my phone service. haha geddit .. because.. bars'*
• Liam: I am terrible sorry sir, there must be a misunderstanding, please let us out, let us discuss this in a civil manner. Do you want my flashing toothbrush? You can have it. Oh, and you, sir with the tattoos, do not touch me that way, I don't think I am comforta--I'm sorry was that too mean, wow I need to reevaluate my life, I am ruining people's souls, here's a foot massage to make it up.
• Zayn: Home sweet home. *tweets* "Sometimes life offers you choices of which you have no guidance over, all we can do it close our eyes and enjoy the rush of existence, or it may pass us by. aha :) xx"
• Niall: Was da craiccc hahahah--what is this shit. Where's my caviar with chilled gazpacho or pureed vegetable soup, garnished with basil or a sprig of cilantro and served in individual containers already divided into the correct portions?? Peas with water is not acceptable in horanland.

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
• Witness: "I only have one, you know."
• Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
• Witness: "By death."
• Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
• Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
• -----
• Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
• Witness: "July 15th."
• Lawyer: "What year?"
• Witness: "Every year."
• Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
• Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
• Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
• Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
• Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
• Witness: "Er...his face."
• Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
• Witness: "I forget."
• Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
• Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
• Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
• Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
• Witness: "Forty-five years."
• Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
• Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
• Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
• Witness: "My name is Susan."
• Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
• Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
• Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
• Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
• Lawyer: "What happened then?"
• Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
• Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
• Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
• Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
• Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
• Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
• Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
• Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
• Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
• Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
• Witness: "That's me."
• Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
• Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
• Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
• Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
• Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
• Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
• Witness: "None."
• Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
• Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
• Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
• Witness: "Borofkin."
• Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
• Witness: "I can't remember."
• Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
• Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
• Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
• Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
• Witness: "Yes sir."
• Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
• Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
• Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
• Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
• Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
• Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
• Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
• Witness: "I could see his head."
• Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
• Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
• Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
• Witness: "The victim lived."

itsgottabeboo:

harrysmentor:

Zayn Malik’s new version of WMYB

(Source: heartbreakzayn)